Church Announces New Doctrine Regarding Menaces to Society

To the dismay of thousands of single members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Brigham Young’s controversial quote, that “every man not married and over twenty-five is a menace to the community” is to be declared doctrinal, according to Church-ish News.

In accordance with this revelation, congregations are encouraged to increase ridicule, judgment, and criticism of their single members, because THAT will make them want to get married sooner.

“I think this is great,” said Bishop Barkhouser, of the Provo YSA 453rd ward, upon hearing the news. “There just isn’t enough pressure on these misguided young adults. Constant and relentless reminders of their singledom is likely to help them start taking dating seriously. They obviously don’t understand the plan of salvation. In my ward we will continue to make the sole focus of priesthood quorum about returning and reporting on our dating progress.”

Some fear the repercussions of categorizing the quote as doctrine. 

Micah, an RM and recent BYU graduate, is 26 and unmarried. “Everyone already thinks of me as a failure. I graduated from college Summa Cum Laude and Harvard accepted me into their molecular biology doctoral program, but you can’t multiply and replenish the earth with a college degree. Members of my ward think that I’m making the wrong decision by going to Boston. They say it’s eternal suicide because there aren’t very many LDS girls there. I can’t even imagine what they are going to say and do to me now that this quote is doctrinal. My only option is to download Tinder. It’s going to be a risky game in a city like Boston, but exaltation is worth all the swiping I’ll have to do.”

Church spokesman, Carson DeVine, commented on this change by saying, “We invite all members everywhere to reach out to our single members. Their trial can still be overcome, whether you think so or not. Perhaps we need more inquisition and prying. Perhaps we need more linger-longers and speed dating. One thing is certain: we cannot leave them alone, or they will stay alone.”

Questions have been raised as to whether or not any discipline will be enforced for members who are in violation of this new doctrine. The Church has yet to respond to this particular question; however, after the success of Meet the Mormons, a short film has been announced to supplement and better explain Brigham Young’s quote and its doctrinal value – titled, “Is It Because You’re Fat?”. Nicholas Cage is rumored to take on the role of Brigham. Jeff Bridges is also under consideration.

 

* This is a satirical article and is not real. But really, guys – date hard. *

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